Uncle Roger's Notebooks of Daily Life

Protecting My Marriage

Have you ever had someone try to help you with something and get frustrated because you don't need or want help? Have you felt somehow slighted because the other person thought you couldn't do it yourself? That's how I feel about my marriage right now.

I used to think that Rachel and I had a pretty strong marriage, an equal partnership based on shared goals and ideals, mutual respect, and, above all, love and friendship. While we certainly aren't perfect, I would never have guessed that we were in imminent danger of getting divorced. How wrong I was.

There are a whole lot of people who apparently think that my marriage is on the verge of collapse, that Rachel and I are on a bullet train to splitsville. According to these folks, we are just one little step away from throwing in the towel.

So what is it that is about to cause the end of my marriage? What could it be that will bring about the demise of our relationship? Why, same-sex marriage, of course.

Little did I know that the fact that two guys or two women got married could destroy my own marriage. I had no idea of the danger my little family faced from someone else's happiness. Thankfully, however, we have been saved! A whole lot of Californians (mostly Mormons and the Knights of Columbus) got together to pass prop 8, saving me and my family from a danger I didn't even know was there.

But now I'm worried about all the other things that could threaten my marriage. I mean, it's not just gay marriage -- what about otters? And IPv6? Q-tips???

And then there are the aliens. I don't mean south-of-the- border aliens, I mean outer space, flying saucer, anal probing life on other planets! What greater threat to a traditional man-woman marriage could there possibly be than aliens? Little red men, giant green saurapods, talking, floating garbage cans -- surely this is what will cause the downfall of my marriage!

The answer is clear, my friends. We must build warships. Great, mighty space going warships to hunt down and wipe out the godless, unnatural abominations lurking about on other planets, having strange tentacle-on-tentacle sex.

Because you know that as soon as we make contact, they're going to want rights. They're going to want to be treated as if they were real people. They're going to want to get married! We can't have that, now can we? I mean, what would that say about my marriage?

We need to act and we need to act now! We need those imperial battlecruisers now, before it's too late! The aliens are out there and they want to get married.